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Asya Wanakena, writer, blogger: I Love to play with myself and love to watch the children at play
A little background. Recently my eldest — Rose — was 6 years old. We invited the kids to visit and planned a small quest based on the "Legends of chima".…

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To Communicate with the child


The first rule of communication of the parent with the child — making him the way he is, without conditions or requirements. The child must live with the feeling that he, in any case, beloved, cherished, precious and dear, even if he did wrong.

The wrong approach — conditional love, based on the child’s behavior. When a child thinks that he is bad and unloved for their actions. Child education is not the taming. Here is not just to punish bad behavior and encourage good. In any situation the child needs to feel loved.

The child needs constant message from a loved one: “When you’re near, I feel good; I’m glad to see you; I like you.” Conditional love destroys the emotional nourishment. It is the emotional Foundation of the relationship. When there is unconditional love and confidence in each other, more easier.


To complain and we should — but not by the child and his specific actions. Not “you’re bad”, and “you did bad”, or even better “I feel bad about how you did”. The last is an “I-message”: it tells about your feelings and does not evaluate the child. The child has a chance to make their own conclusion about their behavior and to correct it:

I am ashamed when we turn into people

I’m really tired, and I’m sad that I now have to wash the dishes

It’s hard for me to talk when I’m interrupting

Active listening

Perhaps the main technique that parents should learn is active listening in difficult situations: when a child is sad, difficult or bad. The goal of technology is to give the child to understand that in difficult times hear it, to the problem of caring, understand him. You’ll be surprised how often the child does not have enough of this, and how much can change if it appears.

To actively listen, you need to “return” the child what he says, indicating the feeling of the child:

I don’t want to do homework!

— You don’t want to study Russian

There very much!

Are you afraid not to have time until tomorrow

At first looks strange. And wants instead to shout, to advise, to point, to joke or to spare the child. But this phrase from the world of adult, the phrase-stimulants, phrase influence. The child in a difficult situation don’t need stimulants: he probably knows what he’s doing. If he needed help, he would have asked for help. He is looking for emotional support.

Active listening helps to get to the root of the problem. The child willingly comes into contact, when he realizes that he is being heard. The voltage is removed, the child feels understood and easily solve the problem.

What not to do in difficult times

In contrast to active listening Yulia Borisovna leads twelve variants of the parent answers in difficult times no good lead:

Orders (“Quickly get out!”, “I never hear this again!”) — cause the child a sense that the parents do not respect their autonomy and do not want to understand the problem.

Threats and warnings (“If you don’t stop, I will leave”) is useless when the child is an unpleasant experience. They only further put him in the corner.

Morality (“we Need to respect adults”) — words do not work, because the child learns the values and rules of behavior of the parents and not of edification in difficult times. And if a child commits a foul, or he repeats after someone from home, or openly protesting. While protest is a result of emotional stress.

Advice (“just try it like this…”) — put the parent over the child and show him what he is still inexperienced and stupid. If the child does not seek the advice, it is better to keep your wisdom until, when the child is ready for it. Often, by the way, the child comes to just himself.

Logical arguments (“You read attentively the job, so make mistakes”) — work great in the proof of the theorem, and not bringing the child for emotional stability. In the best case, the child ceases to perceive such words.

Criticism (“It’s all because of you”) — especially from loved ones is way to low self-esteem, protective reactions, depression, disappointment in yourself.

Praise (“wow”) — carries an element of assessment that is not related to the emotions of the child. The child understands that if he is praised here, somewhere in other place it can condemn, because in principle it is estimated. It is important not to pass on the praise-assessment, remaining in the area of credit support. Instead of “You’re done” you say “I’m glad you did.”

Name-calling (“Crybaby-wax”) — it’s all nonsense. I wish it helps?

Guesses (“I know you’re sad because he fought with Kate”) — this is an invasion of personal space. Nobody like it when his “calculate”.

Longer and investigation (“No, you tell me what happened”) — another version of the intervention in personal. If a child does not tell, for good reason. Better to actively listen. If the child is open, he will tell all.

The counsel and sympathy in words (“Well, don’t be sad”, “Calm down”) downplay the importance of emotions of the child. Better embrace the child.

Tsuchiura from the problem also does not help, because the problem remains.

The child feels the emotions of others, need support, acceptance and recognition from parents. Active listening — a perfect tool for this. And trying to decide whether to suppress or justify the issue of a child is a road to nowhere.

Perhaps the most important thing in dealing with a child in this situation (and generally in life) — waiver of parental position “top”. Child is a person with their own feelings, desires and will. That is not a dog for training.

Conflict resolution

Conflicts are normal. They happen even in the most close-knit families. Good conflict resolution when both sides get what they really wanted. To do this, the book offers an algorithm

To clarify the conflict situation, identify the stumbling block with the help of active listening. To make it clear that you are open to resolving the conflict. First to listen, then tell me about their side of the problem using “I-messages”.

To collect the proposals of both parties, not criticizing each separately. Everyone must offer their own solutions. To answer the question “What are we to do in this situation?”

To evaluate each proposal and collectively to choose the most appropriate. Must choose both sides, we have to agree. In the process you find that one of the parties wanted not what was originally stated.

To clarify the solution, for example by writing it on paper and adding a clarifying points. The paper is generally well to solve problems.

Execution and test that everything was as agreed.

Perhaps the main thing here is to listen to all children involved in the conflict. The more parents listen to, the easier it is for them to understand the real problem.

The second in collaboration to reach a decision without taking over the child’s dominant position. Dominant position demeans the will and the personality of the child. If you give them the opportunity to make their own decisions, you will be surprised how reasonably and honestly they will do.

“This is the wise. It makes the child stronger and more confident, but your relationship is more calm and happy”