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How not to raise children


Plump volume and even entire libraries written about how to raise children, and there is nothing I will not add. Just because we don’t know how. I know how not to. This is my own valuable parental experience, given two uneven crumbs. And because of another experience I have, I am willing to share what I have.

Here are three fundamental points, three pillars, which, alas, almost never manage to meet in the immense ocean of education.

1. What we want to see in your vprochem Chad, irrigating his rich mother (or, at least, avaricious father’s) tears on the threshold of adult life.

2. We educate, that is, consciously and purposefully develop (or suppressed) in the child.

3. What we get as a result.

Ironically, we often want the opposite. That the child was absolutely obedient to our parents ‘ will – and at the same time stubbornly resisted the team with its pernicious influence. To have enough English words on the fly, and those that are spoken in the school toilet, not heard at all. That son grew up a pacifist, despising computer shooting games, and, moreover, would be in class reputation the guy better not to bully. And darling let be familiar with the heroes of Russian classics much better than with the neighborhood teenagers, but, moreover, would be in the mind of the exams, not novels…

In short, we often contradict ourselves at every step parent. Believed, for example, what I sought, a caring mother, giving her beloved first-grader at the music school? I think dull evening time sitting at the piano in the next eight years? Do not guess. I envision that arose because of this, a piano, a race he will run with me in the Conservatory at the professional concert of masterpieces by Beethoven and Mozart. And he’s not running. On the contrary, sitting at home and listening to “king and the clown” and “Disco “Accident”. He’s tired of good music. See, tired, and although it is not heard, and listened to all these years mainly themselves and their own kind. And after his art school, he in a hurry for anything. He saw, besides Katya with tangkou his class draw not worse Levitan, Savrasov with. And, by the way, each artist has a style of his own, and so to compare yourself to Repin something, and at the paintings he had seen.

Well, with the aesthetic education of not so insulting. We though and have unreasonably high expectations, but carried out, usually by someone else’s hands. But the culture teach themselves, and tirelessly, if not from the first days, years. And often quite unsuccessfully. No, of course, the child is already two years vyuzivat two magic words that will manipulate in the process of obtaining our material and other benefits. But politeness, as we know, invented in order to hide feelings. Rather, the true feelings from affecting their external manifestations. And to the internal culture of politeness is not more than “Sprite” to the French champagne. That is, hisses and foams, perhaps even better. But if a culture need mental strength, for doctrine of comity – nerves. And we spend those precious nerves primarily to look good themselves.

Brought up the child meets our parental ambitions. Here comes the guest, brings him a gift. “What do you say?” – strictly remind us. “Thank you,” muttered the son (daughter). All. He settled with the guest. He seems to be and there’s no need to thank smile, joy. Another 999 of such exercise, and no trace of natural puppy dog needs to wag my tail and lick on the nose.

Worse we go out, the cultivation of sprouts of kindness to children’s souls. What we want, when we narrate a story in which a noble hero kills heinous villain? Life experience of the child is deprived of the crafty notions of “sometimes”, “occasionally”, “in special circumstances”. So, the logic is simple. Noble heroes can and should be killed. Therefore, to kill can and should…

Not us, the parents, equal parts of sowing grains guile on these fertile fields. If you are a solid five year old son, what a man should be brave and courageous, finish saying, what mean only tomorrow’s trip to the dentist. Not the idea to ride on a tram “sausage”, which will overshadow him in five years, and certainly not a desire to go “wall to wall” with rappers or skinheads, quite likely in ten years.

And then tormented, looking for a cure for children’s lies. By the way, Orthodox education (traditional, folk, whatever you want) claims is clear: the whipping. Rarely, aptly. Once and for all, to discourage. Moreover, until the child fits across the benches, then it will be too late. However, historical experience shows that in Patriarchal Russia age in this case, the obstacle was not. Not only in peasant families, but also in the higher class. Comes brilliant Colonel, already graying, chest full of medals, a hereditary estate, and there my dad was such a withered old man, the General-in-chief retired, hands shaking. But the rod holds more firmly: “In the cards lost? Duel duel? Pull ports, mon cher…” And was the agreement of generations. As we rush about, think through the penal system. On the street not to let? And so pale, the doctor told me to breathe in oxygen. TV be banned? So he doesn’t care to watch once. And from hopelessness punish another useless notation.

“The only mistake that parents suspect in the ability of logical thinking”.

This is Janusz Korczak, a wonderful teacher. And here’s my own, long and hard gestated aphorism: main our parental misconception that our children are our continuation. They do us.

Psychologist Vladimir Levi offers a detailed classification of parenting styles. On this scale I’m somewhere between the “Broody Ordinary”, “the Miserable and Broody and Broody-Clickuse”.

I know that I could not help the child to live his own life. Moreover, he doesn’t need this. And still continue to demand, to advise, to persuade, to request, to shout, to repeat, to remind, to insinuate, to saw, to itch, to drip on the brain… Just because I feel like I know WHAT he wants. And because I’m really right! But the main thing that people need is to learn to be self-willed. And because my two year old daughter suddenly turns into a malicious negativity. Any request or offer an automatic “no”.

“Do not bear dropped to the floor,

Not severed bear paw

It anyway leave,

Because he’s bad…”

I again do not withstand the temptation to press, to push, to break. Twenty times a day make the same mistake. Just by inertia, mental dullness.

We don’t notice day after day playing “broken telephone”, a favorite game of my childhood. What I hear in innocent FILIAL “mom, go to the yard walk”? Correctly. “I don’t want to do homework and clean the dust, I’m irresponsible and lazy, I could just hang around”. But he said only: “I’m tired, I need to warm up”. But he would not hear me: “Lessons learned?” (I.e., “I worry about you, want to protect you from future problems at school, to make your life easier”). And he realized: “I care for you as such, I am only interested in your marks…” It’s football and the ball is said and unsaid.

Probably, my children understand that the teacher they went not with quality. With good intentions I presented them my questionable character, his ignorance, selfishness, and a lot of problems. I decide their very specific problems, seriously believing that it is my program of education. And to be honest, it is not suspect, in what connection are the current shortcomings of my children tomorrow with their advantages.

You have to wonder how did the children manage to grow are generally more or less normal people.