Divorce with a child of ten to fourteen years
At the same time facing the two of semidentata; parent after divorce and child-teenager. You are after divorce don’t want to be anyone but yourself and don’t know who You are, and Your grown-up to adolescence and adolescence the child is in the same condition: he didn’t want to be anyone but himself, but he still doesn’t know who he is.
And if You’ve made it through my adolescence and the search itself, that boys and girls are bombarded by a huge stream of brand new information of various kinds and levels. The child is not certain at all: the day before yesterday Tanya was a friend, and today on its kind blush ears, a constant feeling of instability all at once, instability, instability, and increase loading… and then… BAM. The divorce of parents.
And boys and girls in tooooon age begin to suffer complexes: it is too high, then too low, then very thin, the Breasts grew before anyone else. Children are afraid to be different and to be yourself. Mistrust and suspicion – the main satellites of children at this age, the constant anxiety and shyness – fear to do wrong or to lose yourself (again and again there is this fear), or be excluded from the “flock”. If something does not work, teenagers can’t easily adapt –or they are rebelling against all at once or turn in on themselves.
And then the divorce, divorce is unstable and so the soil literally becomes a mess underfoot. Just nearby was mom and dad and the teenager knows for sure since then that anything can happen, that will always be in place. Teenagers don’t understand at all what is happening. They grew and were confident in some constants: the Earth is round, the oxygen neobhodimo for a full life, I have a full family. And then one of the constants selected. How does a teenager? With his characteristic maximalism, of course: “All lies, all lied to me, to believe anyone else can have.” Once again drop in self-esteem: how come I didn’t recognize a lie? And if we move, It means: a new conquer authority (girls too), new make friends, learn to communicate with teachers…
So what to do? How to help?
Well, at least, to think that help is needed. What child is unwell and that he understands even less, as his family came to this life.
Be sure to show that You respect his maturity and independence. Notice his achievements. If You are really bad – put on your phone to remind you to check up on the child, to talk with the child and so on.
Categorically have to watch his sports or science or even a different life. If You will forget about what he has today football competition or a first date, or would become confused in the fans of Your daughter – You will be even more damaging to self-esteem of a teenager.
To the extent possible, install with a child of the relationship is people. Respect their decisions, their desires, provide freedom of action. Show how important it is for You child’s opinion.
Love the child. Under-loved teenager can become a big social problem in the team, a girl can start early sex life. And boys and girls will want to find a demand in the company, whether in new ways.
Teenagers don’t like semitones: they simply do not have. The teenager may begin dramatically to hate the initiator of the divorce and in this case, and the second parent remains under threat to become the new contender for the role of the enemy. Yes, according to the teenager you’re both to blame (attention!), what made him lose his stronghold and quiet life, predictable. Where there is nothing to win and prove.
Connect with your child, show him that the house remained the home that You still love him and support, respect and appreciate, including his choice in hairstyle, friends, music, appearance.
Look for compromises.
Do not impose to help, but stay close.
Help and do not disturb (remember the commercials, “And you pour and walk away”)
Finally, respect his right to his life and his secrets. And don’t forget about their same rights.